Why I’m still going

Guest Author - Harmony Farm Equineimity  Krystyna Faroe 

Why I get up again!

In the Summer of 2023, the worst possible thing to happen to a horse farm occurred. Somehow our lovely closed herd was hit with a virus. It took 2 deaths to realize what was killing my horses and 2 more came swiftly after that. It was EHV1, a deadly neurological illness that took my mare who’d just birthed a beautiful filly and 3 other much loved horses instantly.
What happened next was 3 months of quarantine. Every snotty nose added a month sentence on to our leper colony life. No income, the loss of my best horses and a grief that would suddenly pour forth in abundance of loud sobs and screams of despair. Not only was this dreadful event going on but I was trying to find a farm to move to because we had sold the one we’d lived at for 27 years. A place where we’d raised our children, seen them off to University and continued living the farm life.

My husband took early retirement. The loss in income hit us hard with all of the horses we had to care for. You see, I'm a collector of horses. I buy the ones no one wants. I feel every horse has the right to live out their lives rather than go for meat. Why? Because horses work hard all their lives, they give everything they have and when they’re broken and worn out they go through a squeeze being prodded with an electric shock to keep going towards the fear, smell of blood and death. I believe horses should die a kind, gentle passing with the people they love stroking their necks when they go down, telling them they love them. 

My way of making some income was to practice Equine Assisted Learning. It wasn’t lucrative but it brought in something to cover my horses expenses. It didn’t cover all of them, hence the need to sell and downsize to a place far away. I found our new farm and our moving date was set. 

My first job was to find horses to replace the 4 I had lost. I wanted riding horses as teaching brought in the most money to cover costs. I loved teaching because I didn’t teach “kick and pull”, I had figured out a softer approach to riding a horse. involving a mix of everything I had learned over the years in Instructor courses and through my own dressage coaches. 

My methods were more aligned to a person's senses. I guess I’ve picked that up from the horses and being a facilitator as well as a teacher. I help people use their bodies in a subtle way that my horses understand. Every move, transition is quietly done through eyes, slight adjustments and a cohesion of thought and heart to be fully present. 

I was excited to try a new horse. She was a mustang from a famous trainer. How cool was that for little old me? She was in my price range and from a person I had trained with and admired. Things don’t go as we hope and this day went especially wrong. I wasn’t paying attention enough to how the mare was 

feeling. I was relaxed in my own world, something we shouldn’t do when we’re with a sentient being that is aware of everything. We should always remember fight or flight is inherent to them. I was on a mare that hadn’t long before been wild and free. This survival system was still very much present. 

When I look back I see everything I did wrong. Not being the leader and offering confidence, not listening to this mare was one. I should have seen how she was with me on the ground well before getting on. Also, I should have had a warning go off in my brain when I was told not to look at her eyes. In my heart I was in doubt but my head pushed that aside. 

When the cat leapt from the trainers arms and ran full bolt between the horses legs I didn’t stand a chance. This mustang went from zero to full gallop in an instant. I held on, only just, even though I was sent backwards at a fast rate. The final move to unload the burden was a quick veer. A zigzag that is learnt to outwit grizzly bears and cougars. It got me off no problem, as my already horizontal body flew off the side. 

I was unable to move or breathe. I tried to roll over only to find excruciating pain fire through my body. I wasn’t going anywhere. An emergency vehicle was called along with my husband. 

The two medics that arrived were very kind. It was my first time on a stretcher. I thought that wasn't bad for someone of my age. I was in the ambulance with a handsome paramedic who showed concern for me. What do you do in that situation when you’re a mother to grown sons? You make out that things aren’t that wrong. 

Between cringes and smiles I chatted away. One of the best ways to take your mind off pain. I asked him if he’d heard of equine assisted learning. He hadn’t. So like a bible thumper trying to sell the word, I told him all about it. I can’t believe I did that but passion is passion and horses are in my soul. 

How sweet this young man was! The hospital was full of emergencies so I was on a stretcher where the paramedics sit until they get a call. The corridor was lined with other patients but it was me that he offered coffee and a sandwich to. Maybe I reminded him of his own mom but it was so terribly sweet that my heart felt full. Until the painful twinges became more painful. 

I’d been offered morphine and said I was okay. No I wasn’t! Yep, I need that morphine please. I received a shot, nothing. Can I have another one please? That one did the trick. Ahhh! Some relief. I was 8 hours at the hospital between the wait to find a free bed in the emergency room, seeing a doctor, having xrays then having a scan. I can’t believe during those 8 hours my bladder held out for as long as it did. 

It took two people and a physiotherapist to get me to the bathroom, one of them was my husband. As he got me through the door he was about to leave. Are you kidding me? I can’t walk but you think I can unencumber myself of clothing and sit on a toilet? Some men really don’t think ahead. 

When the scan came back it showed I’d broken my back but it was a clean break with no dislodge of the cord. Luckily I had muscles and they’d kept the break from budging further. I went home armed with morphine to an empty house. 

You see he’d moved everything to the new house except a sofa and a television for him to watch whilst I was up at the new farm getting things ready. Luckily we hadn’t moved any animals up there yet as it was 4 hours away and would require many trips. Furniture had come first. 

I slept on the sofa during the day. Making the odd toilet break with much help. I didn’t have a doctor as I’d told them I was moving. When I called, the receptionist said there was no way I could see him as I’d been taken off the list. Many expletives came to mind at her lack of empathy but I didn’t say them. I endured pain and offered up the back cushions of my sofa for my husband to sleep on at night. 

How thankful were we to have the new owners rent our farm to us for two months? Extremely, that’s for sure. For over a month we lived with two pieces of furniture until I was able to get in a car and drive north. It was early December, snow was flying and I drove through it to get to our new home. The pain wasn’t subdued by meds by the time I got there. Tension cramps muscles and mine were as tight as a kid holding on to his favourite candy for dear life. 

Let’s fast forward. I went through over a year of pain without a doctor. The hospital doctor said the break would heal in two months. Perhaps it did but I was constantly in pain. I couldn’t bend over, I could hardly do stairs at times. I felt much older than I was unless music was involved. That was when I hit the dance floor with the energy of a vibrator in pleasure mode. Afterwards, well, that wasn't great but all the good chemicals kept that nagging pain away for a while. 

Nearly 2 years later I found out I had fibromyalgia. The pain was with me for good. I’d had pain issues for 8 years before but I was on a medication that helped and had a great Thai massage therapist who gave Reiki as well. These had helped keep it at bay until the drugs didn’t work anymore. 

I was very ill this summer. To be honest I thought I was dying. Perhaps I would have had I not asked to see a nurse. Through a conversation with my new nurse practitioner I was diagnosed with Strep and a lung infection. It took a while to recover. I wondered about how long my poor body could handle all of the stress my nervous system was going through and had been going through for the last 2 years. 

When I lost my sister-in-law I was floored. She was only months older than I. It shouldn’t have happened. It bothered me. My solace was with my horses. I spent time in the fields with them. Asking nothing from them, yet they gave. They gave their healing energy and I always walked back to the house feeling a release of pain and a calm to deal with what I had to. 

When my mother-in-law went into the ICU of a major hospital in Toronto, I knew things were really bad and my husband would have to stay 4 hours away from me. I could have coped had the well not run dry. I didn’t know. It was my cry for help that was heard by the community and someone came to my aid. He installed a new pump as the other was coming apart. He showed me the rotten pieces. One bit of luck that it didn’t burst and pour water everywhere. 

I’d met a lovely young woman and her mother. How lucky was I to have these angels helping me with my horses? My water situation became worse. I wasn’t getting hardly any water. After 6 weeks away my husband came home. What a godsend he was! He helped get water, which I’d been getting from the community tap at the firehall. He did all of that whilst I took care of other things. A welcome break, heck yes! 

During all of this time I still suffered pain but I’d started another new medication to see if it would help. May thanks be made to my nurse practitioner, she found the one. With my pain easing off it became easier to let my husband leave after his two days of being with me. 

Fall came, beautiful as always and I taught my method of intuitive riding to my clients. Adoring every minute of it as I saw them become capable, relaxed companions to their mounts. Leaves turned in colour, beauty abounded and our 3k trail became a busy spot for me to walk. I took the short videos off the trailcam every time and sifted through the shots of our busy fox, coyote, racoons, deer and magnificent moose. Then hunting season arrived. Animals vanished for a while. 

When the community tap was switched off because the winter season was coming I panicked. Luckily I had found someone to drill a new well. Huge expense because they went 220ft into the ground. Fracking through granite at 20ft. He knew our neighbour who texted to let me know I could use the hydrant at the barn on his farm next door to mine. His water came out like a jet cutting through the clouds. It filled the barrel and water bottles fast. 

I’ve made it through 8 weeks of the camping experience. I did however have a breakdown after which my husband came home. He fixed the pump I had burnt out and helped me understand that even though it had rained our well was still lacking in water and I had to be frugal. I have a bath once a week. My hair looks like I could have nasty creatures living in it. It’s so greasy I could be medusa as they form together like snakes. However, hanging smothered dead snakes. So gross! The snow is here and I can wear a hat all the time. Getting out in public has been kiboshed. Only the horse feed store is accessed. Hat still on. 

I’m not one to sit still so even though all of this was going on I was even busier with getting an outdoor arena put in and 3 new horses arriving. One was kicked in the head even after slow integration. Bad horse left to go to a new home, where she is enamoured with him and he lives with a companion instead of a herd. Much better for him as his fight or flight instinct wasn’t regulated enough in a herd setting. He was always on watch for everyone else. My new horse had a fractured skull. Argh! Where was my good luck? 

Nursing worked well and this lovely fellow was a dream to handle and help get better. All good, no blockage requiring an operation. My luck was back. Yay! 

I still do not have the super duper expensive drilled well hooked up to the house as that is apparently a secondary job. I had a difficult time finding someone to do it. Now we do. He’s taking his time but it seems to be the way out here on the outskirts of urbanization. Not many qualified trades people out here where beauty abound and distance is the burden of those not retired. 

Let’s recap. I’ve gone from the loss of 4 horses, quarantine for 3 months, breaking my back, finding out I have a chronic ailment, being very ill, losing a family member, almost losing another and going without proper water for 8 weeks. And you know what? I’m still planning what will happen on the farm through winter. The intuitive riding lessons, the serene walks through the woods and wonderful women’s retreats with the herd horses and practicing the Building Block ™️of my training through Equine Connection to put into practice. 

Why do you think that is? I could easily have given up and gone for the sedate life, couldn’t I? Heck no! I am not a knitter, cook, crafter, sewer, unless you call having a mass of cotton stitching in one place sewing. I am a horse lover, nutter, crazy lady, poor eccentric or horse addict. Whatever term you wish to use amongst those is me and I won’t apologize. 

I love horses. I try to be an advocate for them because yes, they feel and I am not anthropomorphising here. They feel pain, anger, sadness, jealousy, happiness and distress. Theirs, unlike ours, is in the moment. They have a stacked memory so they remember things but they don’t have a prefrontal cortex as large as ours to ponder over it for hours like we do. Think instant in their case. It’s there and it’s soon over. We see it when they have a dispute, it happens, the leader is accepted and the feelings are over. 

So you see the reason I get up again after being knocked down as many times as I have, is because of them. Those beautiful equines that make our lives hard but also fill our lives with love. I share their love with everyone because they want to do this. They want to heal people, they want to share the love and healing they have. Energy is healing, we know that for Reiki and cancer patients. They help the patients with their pain. Horse energy is much more than ours. Their energy field expands to fifty feet, whilst ours is maxed at 15 feet. 

Their neurological patterns are different from ours but they compliment us. If they were in a herd they would gather to offer their healing energy to the sick horse in the herd. Perhaps that’s why it’s inherently within them to help us. It’s a natural process like fight or flight. Our nervous system is different, fight, flight, freeze, flop or faun. However, they recognize our need and they know exactly what state we are in. There’s no masking our mental or physical pain from them. 

I have lived the best life due to my horses. I’ve made some hard choices but then life is hard. We can keep within our box and pretend life is good because we are afraid to extend ourselves beyond but it doesn’t work. Life is hard so as the saying goes, choose your hard. Live with it, own it. Live life, live with the dark times and know the light times will match them. Live your dreams because if you don’t the regret will nag you forever. I’ve lived my dreams. I’ve taken many knocks and got up again. Yeah! I know this is such a cliche. But, if I can do it you can too. Or if you feel you can’t step back, cut things out and try again. 

Yes, there’s a time to give up on something. Don’t give up on everything, dwindle things down to what is manageable for you. Know that you should always be proud of yourself for putting up the fight. For getting up and recharging your battery with these amazing horses. To continue your life the way you want it to be, because it’s your only life and we should all love what we do and the horses that are in it. 

This is why I get up again and keep going. I kick the stick out from under the doubts I have and live. Live and love my equines. They are my best friends.